The Two Faces of Debbie

Laurel and I were talking late into the night ( her baby wouldn't sleep) about how different we are. She's a minimalist; I like English Country. She's more of a gourmet cook; I'm definitely Southern. She hates to sew; I love to sew. And on and on...

These two quotes sum up the difference well. She has this one posted on her blog http://athomelaurel.blogspot.com/: "Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain, common work as it comes, certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life." Robert Lewis Stevenson I agree with that mostly except the part about not grasping at the stars.

This is a summation of a quote I had on this blog at one time. "Aim for the moon. If you miss at least you'll be among the stars." Or something to that effect. Two different ways of looking at life.

I've always thought I could do just about anything I set my mind to. I've always aimed for the stars and hit them most of the time. I finished my first bucket list in my thirties. I'm a dreamer and an implementer.

I don't dream impossible dreams. I know I'll never be a Martha Graham, a Bach, or a Monet. That's fine. I just want to do what I do well and not half way. My theory is that if you don't at least give it a shot, how will you know what you're good at or what you like?

Here's the conflict. I've been going through a crisis of sorts for the last five years. I feel dissastified; like I'm not living up to my potential. Sickness and depression are my almost constant companions. I'm not content to do the little things even though I enjoy them. I feel like there's bigger things I should be doing.

I want to write a book. It's on my new bucket list. Whenever I hear of other people writing books and getting them published, I'm jealous and envious. I don't like feeling like that. I should be happy and proud of their accomplishments. I am, but other negative feelings are mixed in with the good.

My envy tells me that I'm not content with my own life. I love my life yet I'm not content. What a contradiction I am.

I'm in a holding pattern. I'm waiting on the Lord to show me what's next. This hymn just popped into my mind and says beautifully what I desire. I need to sing it to myself every day.

Father, I know that all my life is portioned out for me,

The changes that are sure to come, I do not fear to see:

I ask thee for a present mind, intent on pleasing thee.

I would not have the restless will that hurries to and fro,

Seeking for some great thing to do, or secret thing to know;

I would be treated as a child, and guided where I go.

I ask thee for the daily strength, to none that ask denied,

A mind to blend with outward life, while keeping at thy side,

Content to fill a little space, if Thou be glorified.

In service which thy will appoints there are no bonds for me,

My secret heart is taught the truth that makes thy children free,

A life of self-renouncing love is one of liberty.

Wow! That nails it, doesn't it? It makes all my whining about "finding myself" seem pretty pathetic. Yet we have to go through these seasons in order to grow and see what useless things need to be shed in order for Christ's light to shine more brightly through us. I'm done whining now. Please God, let me be through.