Reflections from Gift From the Sea

I'm rereading Anne Morrow Lindberg's Gift From the Sea for the tenth time. It's like the Bible in that no matter how many times you read it, you'll find something new every time. This morning's reading had this (she's talking about the marriage relationship) jumping out at me: "There is also a dead weight accumulation, a coating of false values, habits, and burdens which blight life. It is this smothering coat that needs constantly to be stripped off, in life as in relationships."

For several years now I've been decluttering our physical space. I think I noticed this paragraph above because maybe now it's time to simplify and clean out our marriage relationship. I'm not getting rid of him (ha) but would like to become more friends again. Now that all but one of our children are gone, it'll be easier. We don't have to wait to talk or shout to be heard over the din. We definitely have a 'smothering coat that needs to be stripped off' but how to go about it is puzzling to me. I think I'll treat it as an on-going, never-ending project and have my checklist made and ready.

Anne again, "One learns to accept the fact that no permanent return is possible to an old form of relationship, and more deeply still, that there is no holding of a relationship to a single form. This is not a tragedy but part of the ever-recurrent miracle of life and growth."

We've come a long way and shared a lot since we were married 37 years ago come August 28; five living children, three in heaven due to early miscarriages, moving cross country and back, building a house, home educating five children for 28 of those years, having three of those children seriously injured at different times and ages, three children married, six grandchildren, etc. We've had a good time together, and hopefully, God will grant us more years to try and perfect this thing called marriage.

When He Just Doesn't Get Me

I ordered Desperate for my daughter who's in the middle of childrearing with six small children but thought I'd read it first. This paragraph on husbands resonated with me.

"One more example of my unhealthy expectations: I expect that my husband should "get" me. Oh this. How many of us just wish our husbands "got" us? We want them to understand us in profound ways, and then accept us with open arms. We want them to admire who we are, how we're made, and who we are becoming. We want to be known and loved.

What happens when they don't "get" us? What happens when they don't understand why we have to leave the dishwasher open all the time, or why we like Taylor Swift, or why we can't enjoy our time away if our feelings are hurt before we leave?

The "I expect" voice is a killer of joy and true contentment. My husband is not going to understand all of the inner workings of my soul. He's not always going to think I'm fabulous, and he is not always going to agree with me (he might even think I'm crazy sometimes). When we let our husbands off the hook and are content to be who we are for the glory of God and not the approval of man, life is greener and more full. I want to please my husband, and I want his unconditional love, but he's a sinner just like I am, and humans can't really give unconditional love; it's hard enough just to love.

We've got to snuff out that voice or it will burn our marriages. Find contentment in the overwhelming fact that you are perfect to God; He gets you because He made you. Live free in that truth."

Whew! That's a tall order. I confess that I've struggled with this issue for longer than I've been married; which is a long time. I'm a people pleaser, to those I truly love, in a big way. For the most part, I've let go of my real and unreal expectations, and life is surely more peaceful. But here's where I still struggle. When my husband DOES "get me" now, it doesn't mean a whole lot. I've hardened myself to not need his praise, but the fact that I've done that, I guess, really means that I truly still want it?

Human interaction is so extremely complicated. Especially when you've been with someone so long. It's impossible to unravel events, emotions, wrongs, rights, and whatever else goes into a marriage to make sense of it. So what to do? More next time and an analysis of the book What Alice Forgot.