Sunday, April 22, 2012

What Would I Be?

First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.--Epictetus.

And the struggle continues to find the time to create; to be what I feel God is calling me to be. Time is taken up mostly with children and grandchildren, worthy things to invest time in and yet...I can't get to myself. I only see myself at a distance; the things I want in life and the things I want to accomplish are ever elusive.

I feel like I need to set boundaries around some time for myself, yet I don't want to appear selfish to my family. I don't think that's a bad thing to do. I want to please my family, but I'm not pleasing myself. One thing I've discovered about myself which really surprised me. I'm a people pleaser when it comes to my own family. I have a fear of being called selfish by them. But good grief, how much is enough? It's a vortex I can easily get sucked into and never find my way out.

Youngest daughter and I are about as opposite as two people can be. She can't stand being alone and has to be on the go all the time. So I spend an inordinate amount of time running her here and there trying to keep her from being lonely and bored. But I say again, GOOD GRIEF! I'm sick of it.

I'm going to have to create boundaries and have the courage to stick to them even when she thinks she'll die from the silence that is at home. She needs to see that my needs aren't being met and at least meet me in the middle.

Well, that's all I have time for now. I have to go pick her up at the barn where she's been riding her horse for the last three hours.


sunshine said...

I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time but you definitely need to draw a line somewhere and grt some very vital and important "me time". If your family loves you (and I'm surr they do), they will have to understand that u also have needs and you wont be able to keep them happy if you are not happy yourself. Good luck and I'll pray you'll have to courage to do whats best for you, God bless!

M.K. said...

I'm not quite sure, but I believe I recall that you have a similar parenting situation to me -- some grown/older kids, and one younger one. My last one is 12 years old. I know that if your family had real, serious needs, you'd sacrifice yourself for them. But it sounds to me like what she's asking from you is not from NEED but from just selfishness -- childish selfishness. It's to be expected at their age, I guess. I hope that's not too strong a way to describe it. Teen/tween girls can be that way, rather demanding. For her OWN sake, you must make her self-entertaining. Tell her there's no such thing as being bored; only boring people. She can't rely on other people to entertain her forever. She needs a little independence. In a way, it has less to do with the time you need for yourself, and the independence she must learn. Time for yourself will come as a by-product of that. I'm nearly 50, and I'm ready for that. :)

Lisa Richards said...

Wow! So familiar! My youngest is now 21, but she was one who was involved in everything while growing up and needed someone to drive her everywhere. My hubby was retired, so he got chauffeur duty while I began working outside the home. I'm trying now to find time for creativity, but now babysitting my granddaughter on top of working leaves me in the same place you are. Feeling guilty if I take time for myself. We do need to find a balance, because in this "me" world it's possible we might go too far in the "me" direction, but we also need to find out what God wants us to use our creativity for. I think it's probably a problem that has always existed. My hubby is very sociable and I need time alone to think and create, so this has caused problems for a long time. The Bible talks a lot about dying to self, so I'm trying to see how to exercise my creativity without being selfish. Praying for you and all of us going through this part of life!